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But I’ve noticed a new strategy among my set of female friends—lovely, intelligent, independent women—to combat the grime of the online dating world: date up. More and more women I know are dating men twice, yes , Anne Hathaway stands with Robert De Niro and a bunch of young male colleagues in a bar and draws a harsh comparison: “How in one generation have men gone from guys like Jack Nicholson and Harrison Ford to . I see what Hathaway means: Why put up with Tinder when there’s a whole generation of men out there who wouldn’t dream of using it?There have never been more advantages to relationships with older men, precisely because Tinder and its ilk have made dating feel impossible to those of us who don’t want to participate in the battle of who-cares-less.I did it, at the time, to save a faltering relationship. I can’t dwell on the past, and I wish I didn’t even have to grieve.He loved me as a drunk (why, I’ll never know); I thought he would love me even more as a clear-eyed, confident woman. In the words of a favorite book from my childhood, “For what is a man profited if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul? (Surprise, surprise: The recovering addict is rather wont to avoid emotional pain.) But no matter what — — I will not drink and I will not use. Knowing deep down to my foundation that regardless of any circumstance, I will be sober — that unshakable realization is my anniversary present to myself. would have you believe, is evolving into an elaborate charade of deception: Everybody is petrified of giving someone the “wrong idea.” Men are impolite to the point of viciousness to ensure that the women they just hooked up with understand they don’t want a relationship.Women “self-objectify” in profile pictures to get men interested, renouncing the “wrong idea” that they might want something more than a one-night stand. In many ways, I don’t much feel like celebrating the one year of semi-normal behavior stacked up against the many lost years of stupidity and damage.

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That deep chasm in my heart of hearts that nothing could fill but which I tried to fill by using and drinking — that’s gone.

Filled and closed once and for all, and by me alone.

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